Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
I love you, Dad, and want you to know,
I feel your love wherever I go,
Whenever I've problems, you're there to assist,
The ways you have helped me would make quite a list.
Your wisdom and knowledge have shown me the way,
and I'm thankful for you as I live day by day.
I don't tell you enough how important you are,
In my universe you're a bright shining star.
No matter where I go in life,
who I got married to and how much time I spent with him,
The life I build with him and how much I love him,
You will still always be my number one man.
Yesterday was 12th day of the 12th Month in 2012.
In short 12.12.12!!! Yeeey!!!
Everyone said that it was an extremely important day,
Because it was the last sequential date we will ever see,
13.13.13, or 14.14.14 e.t.c are dates that will never be
Everyone made it to be such a big deal, in Facebook, Twitter,
text messages, and all social networks the whole world over.
Because everyone realised that it was the last repetitive date ever.
Everyone made a big deal of it except me, Yes, maybe I am I do have issues,
But the way I see it, everyday is a non-repetitive, each day is one issued limited edition,
each moment never repeats again in our lifetime,
Yes, we are only human, we forget and time makes a fool of us all,
but its important to remember, to treat each day with special care,
too see everything through new eyes like we are seeing it for the first time,
and see everything through wizened eyes like we are seeing it for the last time.
Life is measured in time. Lets make a pledge to make each moment count.
Sure we will have the big moments like 12.12.12 coming once in a while,
but everyday moments are as important as darkness is to the night,
Lets celebrate and live life in the moments, never taking anything for granted,
No one is promised tomorrow, no one knows what tomorrow will bring,
and no one knows when this charade will end, or where one shall meet death,
so let us rejoice in each day above the ground, in each day we are given a clean slate,
each day we can start over again, we can redeem ourselves of our sins,
we can forgive our loved ones for the pains, we can make a stranger our own,
Each day, we can start to love and live again.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Most men have a hard time understanding women...even a woman they've been married to for years. One minute she is perfectly fine, the next she is an atomic bomb. She complains about something but when you offer advice on how to fix it, she still wont be satisfied. Let me tell you secret about women...don't worry so much about what she says, instead you should worry at what she doesn't stay. So here is a couple of things is my short time as a married woman have taught me...and we will never say this to you...
1. All we want is YOUR LOVE!!!
When a wife shows her husband less respect, he in turn shows her less love. And when a husband shows his wife less love, she in turn shows him less respect and the vicious cycle continues over and over again.
So if you want to make your life better, and stop this vicious cycle to become your ever ending reality, show her some love. That's all she wants. Love your wife despite her quirks, and she will overlook yours. And this woman will love you so much...and this woman will love you deep. Your wife will love you for keeps...she will love you until lemons become sweet!!
2. She's BORED!!!
It's the same monotonous thing everyday, day in day out, week in week out. Its boring. Not only is she bored she is also tired. Tired from having to take care for the kids, running the household for you, and then pampering you - and she works too, just like you. Imagine if you had to do that all the time - full time.
So my dear brothers, I implore you, make your wife feel special - give her a break. Take her out sometimes. Surprise her by cooking dinner or doing the dishes sometimes. Bring her favorite dessert home sometimes. Just do something, anything every now and then to break the monotony.
3. She want's to be COMPLIMENTED!!!
Appreciation. Everybody craves to be appreciated. No one wants to feel as if the hard work they do goes unnoticed or even worse, taken for granted. It is not a woman's requirement in a marriage to clean your dirty clothes, to cook your meals, to heal you, to make you whole - but she does. And she does that on top of everything else she has to do in her life. Caring for the kids, working or going to school, striving to be a better Muslim....to mention but a few.
Show your wife that you appreciate and are thankful for the things she does to maintain you and your family. We often take our spouses for granted so much that we never let them know that we appreciate them. A simple "thank you" is a good start.
4. She is insanely JEALOUS!!!!
There is a reason women don't care for polygamy even though it is decreed by Allah. Be very careful how you talk about other women around your wife. Don't ever compare your wife to another woman. Don't compare her to some movie star. and please DON'T compare her to your mother...and never ever compare her to your ex-wife or the other wife.
She wants to know and to believe that she is the center of your universe. So make her feel that way. Expect and respect, some jealousy from your wife.
5. She wants you to take the lead.
She cannot stress enough the importance of men taking the role of the leader within their families. And that is a problem with a lot of Muslim men nowadays. Not only are they not being good leaders, they are being led by their wives, (or mothers, or other women in their lives.) When will you understand that its the man who sets the tone, when you are not around we smell your cologne.
Your wife desires and wants you to be her leader. And what better way to lead than to show her how to be a better person? A better Muslim? But you can't show her how to become better if you are not that great either...remember God made Adam before He made Eve. Therefore, you have to upgrade your Iman. You have to improve yourself and improve her in a gentle and respectful way.
6. Surprise surprise!!! She doesn't like to NAG
It's a common myth that women like to nag their husbands. that is not entirely true. She doesn't like to have to nag you but you make it very very hard. But even so, as women we should be grateful of the things our husbands do for us. But very often, men make it so hard for women to hold their tongue. We want to respect you never want to hurt you. We give your our bodies but we'd rather give you our virtues. Perhaps you are always finding faults in her in she looks for things in your character to get even, perhaps you are not working, or not working hard enough and she has to take up the slack. Or perhaps you are just not that great of a guy but she loves you anyway. We give up on our dreams trying to break your walls. We bend over backwards to show you how much we care. So dude, upgrade yourself and give her less reasons to complain or nag.
7. More than anything, she wants a stable and HAPPY relationship with you.
Women don't get married because they don't think it it's gonna be fun. They get married because they want a happy family life and they believe that you're gonna give it to them. Outside her religious duties, that's the most important thing in a Muslim woman's life. Raising a happy, stable family. and guess what? it's very easy for you to give it to her.
- Stop acting like a jerk, Be a good husband to her. Be kind to her. Show her you love her.
- Don't threaten her with divorce or taking a second wife. Yes, you have the right to do both, but using them as threats in inappropriate and detrimental to your marriage.
- Trust in Allah, watch out for the tricks of Shaytan, and be patient with her. There's nothing Shaytan would love more than to destroy your marriage.
See that isn't all hard. Is it now?
Friday, December 7, 2012
One of my members and biggest fan, Ms. Hawa Bayumi told me I needed to share this. I didn't write it but as she said it is worthy of this blog. Anything extraordinary here? And are you wondering why women live longer? Because they are made for the long haul....and they can't die sooner because they have a lot of things to do
Mum and dad were watching TV when mum said,
"I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed"
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took the meet out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes in the wash, ironed a shirt, secured a loose button. She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the excursion and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her bag. Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night Solution and age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed out her teeth.
Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way" she said
She put some water on the dog dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and radios, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one still up doing homework.
In her room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualised the accomplishment of her goals. Abaout that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular,
"I'm going to bed."
and he did without another thought.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Thank you so much for taking the time out of your busy days and spending some time on my blog. It feels surreal that we have been read by 20,0000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow, I am amazed and mere words cannot describe how I feel. All I can tell you is thank you for inspiring me, keep reading right at this spot and I will do my best to keep writing.
I only have a tiny weeny little request, can you please leave some comments on your thoughts about what you think on the different things I write about? I would love to have more direct feedback. Thank you and I promise to do my best to keep it real and keep it fresh, to amuse you, to inspire you, to move you, to hurt you, to heal you, so that I may slowly become that one person who can voice what you feel.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
The social media is finally hitting our country by storm. Yeah so it took us a while to catch up with the rest of the world, but finally Facebook has hit Zanzibar...and everyone who is anyone is on it!!! Umbea mtupu!!!!
Facebook seems to have replaced people's need to really stay in touch, to talk to each other face to face, random "let's meet", or even texting and calling. All we do now is silently stalking everyone as a strategy to know whats going on in your friends life. As if that is all it takes, we have replaced the need for human connection to silently clicking on their updates, status, posts and other updates.
I don't even want to go to the point where the random people add you ati because they liked your profile pic, I mean seriously roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends who the hell are you? or that random person from your previous school that you never actually talked to now wants to be your friend, or colleagues whom you may even dislike send you a friendship request. No thanks, its not a contest I don't want to have 5,000 friends and only know about 5 of them. What becomes the point? My point is IF you want to know someone for real, facebooking them should perhaps only be a start, not the only means to the end.
Then there are birthdays!!! That one day popularity you have on Facebook because its your birthday doesn't actually make you famous or that people really care; It's always someone's birthday on Facebook and we get that notification. You should really be grateful to people who actually remember your birthday without facebook.
Let me not even start on ugomvi na umbea that goes on kwa Facebook or stuff that become slandering and rumours because someone saw something, and then explained it and showed to someone else who then decided to embellish everything out of proportion whilst someone else is listening in with interest on issues that don't even concern them. Stop reading more into what people post than what there is, but eh if the shoe fits. Listen, you don't have to like me, I am not a Facebook status. You don't have to like what I write, and if you miss me? Stop poking me, and pick up the damn phone and call me, or better yet...come see me!!
So in light of everything I decided to give myself a break from Facebook it was hard at first and it took strength of character to break away from the habit; some people took a while to notice that I had de-activated my account and others didn't even notice. Eventually those who cared enough actually either called, texted, e-mailed or whatsapped me see where the hell am I and what's going on. The time away also served as a wake-up call for me to invest more in relationships I have now, to e-mail some friends, to set up Skype dates and not just stay impassively in touch yet really out of touch with people. I lasted for more than a month and I realised I didn't miss it that much and could go on for much longer, but strangely enough I needed the link it gave me to broadcast my blog more. I also came to appreciate more of all the people who take the time out to really be there for me...and I will put the effort to be there for them. I am back kwa Facebook but this time around without the manic need to constantly check what everyone is doing with their lives...I have developed a new infatuation now...with Twitter.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Some people say the world will end this year. Whether it will or it will not, time will tell...
It is undeniable that we are at the beginning of the end...the beginning of the end of 2012...27 days left and we will say our goodbyes....as usual I am in one of those reflective moods. I start trying to vaguely remember what my last New Year's Resolutions were and how quickly did I let them be and just let life unfold...at its pace and terms...It undeniable that this year has had some major challenges for me, and I am still struggling through some of them, still trying to grow, to learn, to accept, to understand...you know what they say if God doesn't change your situation for a while, He wants you to change how you feel about it.
I had planned to lose some serious weight, and its undeniable that I failed, abysmally!! I try to carry the extra weight with class and style and its not always easy. Though it has made me realise that I need to stop being internally critical and negative about my body size. I am trying to have a healthy outlook on how I look. I realise that my body is really my temple. As I begin to care for it and treat it with respect, I find myself wanting to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. Fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so I am trying to rest, to be still, to not always want to be in the thick of things. I have come to accept that just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul - so I want to take more time to laugh and to play.
This year has hold testament of what my mum always says, "mapenzi yanazunguka" meaning sometimes your better half loves you more than you do him, sometimes you love him more than he does you, sometimes you both can't stand one another, but you still have to hold on. My love has been tested, and most times in this year I have had to swallow my ego, my pride, push my wants aside so that hubby can be my focus, so that I can support him. Sometimes he doesn't even realise what I do for him, doesn't appreciate all the efforts, doesn't notice the pain, but its important for my heart to have the depth to swallow all this and still keep him in the pedestal I have always placed him. As my compass, as my friend, as my playmate, I have realise I need to accord him the same chances that I give my friends. Maybe then and only then, will I have matured enough and grown enough for Allah to bless me with a little life again.
This year has made me realise that no matter how hard I try I cannot make anyone love me or appreciate me. All I can try is to be a lovable person and leave the rest to them. All I need to try is value my worth, process a new form of self approval, and confidence. Which resulted in me trying to look at my relationships as they are and not as I want them to be. I am trying to stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. I am learning and the lesson will probably have to extend to the next year that just as people grow and change, so does love...and I have no right to demand love on my terms...just to make me happy.
As the year ends I realise that I am not the same person who had started when this year started. Yet why is it so much easier to accept the change in the days, time, season and year and not accept the change in me, personally. Change is change, its not always good. A time has finally come when I finally get it...because in the midst of all my fears, insecurity and insanity, I stopped dead in my tracks and the somewhere inside me, in my head a voice cried out - ENOUGH!!!! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And like a child quieting after a blind tantrum, my sobs have begun to subside, I shuddered once or twice, I blinked back my tears through a mantle of wet lashes and I promise to look at the world through new eyes.
In these new eyes all I want to be is thankful. Thankful for all the things that Allah has blessed me with. Someone told me to stop thinking about things that I didn't get after praying, but instead to think of the countless things that I received without asking. I want to appreciate and be grateful in many simple things that I take for granted that millions of people on earth can only dream about, food, clean water, a soft warm bed, a hot shower, and peaceful home.
So as the beggining of the end looms nearer, I want to look forward to New Hopes, New Begginnings and
New Dreams while maintaining all the wonderful things that I have been blessed with this whole year.
Today I am appreciating the work of another author, I really connected with this great piece and I wished I was eloquent enough to write such a piece. I think this is a great piece, a must read, fresh reasonable outlook ...and I loved it. What do you guys think?
IF you are not ready to delay gratification when you are angry. To hold your tongue, lower your voice and sometimes wait till the appropriate time, day or even month before you can deal with an issue thoroughly...don't get married. Immaturity is the inability to delay gratification. Marriage is for the mature.
If you're not ready to leave center stage and allow someone else to become your focus, your study, you muse...don't get married. Selfish people make very bad spouses. In marriage you don't lose yourself - but your heart has to be big enough to gain someone else. And soon, with God's blessing, little, crying, diaper soiling, demanding little ones are coming!
If you are not ready, to stand up and calmly deal with meddling in laws as a united front: The opinionated sister, the insensitive uncle, the domineering father, the manner less brother, the nosy aunt...don't get married. Boundaries do not exist automatically, they must be created. A good spouse is committed to respectfully stand up for and protect their marriage from meddling relatives. Don't abandon your spouse to your relatives. It's betrayal.
If you are not ready to pay bills...don't get married. Love does not pay bills. Kenya power will not give a waiver because your love is O so strong and you gaze at each other, O so romantic.
If you are not ready to let go of your opposite sex "best friends" and invest that into your spouse; to like, to laugh, to play, to be silly and to enjoy life with them above anyone else..don't get married. Affairs happen because people did not marry their best friends. Someone else holds their heart. Someone else gets them better. Someone else inspires them more. Marry your best friend and cultivate your friendship so that you remain best friends.
If you are not ready to stop competing with the Joneses...don't get married. Let the Joneses buy their yacht when you are still walking; and enjoy the walk. Your journeys are different. They may have to cross oceans but you may be going through a road route. A boat might not do you any good on your journey. You must be ready to pace yourselves: stop competing, stop spending your future before you get there, stop the debt, stop trying to impress people. You must be able to be content. To enjoy your journey without deciding your happiness simply by measuring your progress against other people.
If you are not ready to be an open book; to tell the whole story of your past, deal with the memories, expose the failures and risk rejection...don't get married. It is fraud to have someone sign off their life to you without the full details. The past is a touchy and demanding friend. It always shows up in a marriage. It doesn't enjoy being ignored and the more you snob it, the bolder it becomes and the more tantrums it throws. It will mess up the "neat" and "all together lovely" image that you are struggling to maintain.
If you are not ready to let go of your philandering and wild oats farming...don't get married. Don't take somebody's son or daughter and subject them to your germs, your indiscretions and your chips fungaz. It never ends well. It's romanticized in the movies, it's being fronted as the only "realistic" way to stay married and keep the fire burning. But truth be told, the only thing that the fire will burn will be you, your spouse, and your children. That family will burn for generations in bitterness, disease, fear, failure, hatred, broken hearts and broken dreams.
Finally, if you are not ready to let go of the adrenalin rush of a risque life and to settle down...don't get married. The great Colombus (who we are told "discovered" America, have you ever wondered if the Native Indians who were in it knew that it existed?) had a diary that was long sought for. People wanted to read about wild journeys, the sea tempest, the reckless pirates they fought, the deaths, and the danger they must have encountered. When it was found there was great disappointment Majority of the pages simply had 5 words: "This day, we sailed on."
Marriage, like life in general, has many "we sail on" days. You have to learn to find the thrill in the normal everydayness of it. If you depend in wild romance, all night sex (Ha!), romantic cruises, wild parties, compulsive moves across continents, tempestuous fights and make up sessions to be happy, you may be disappointed. You have to learn to thrill in gentle smiles, loving hugs, knowing looks, cozy moments, shared chores, cute babies, everyday work, dreaming together, praying together and simply living together. If these things are not thrilling, exciting and satisfying, you will look for a way out. The "boom twaff" moments are still there, but they are normally punctuations to the usualness of living. They cannot be your reason for getting married. They are unsustainable on an everyday basis. The one you choose must be thrilling to you even in the most mundane of moments.
I pray this helps someone. Remember singles, YOU HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF CHOICE. Never let anyone pressure you into marriage. You are either ready of you're not: You decide! But please don't marry somebody and then punish them to live with your childish ways for the rest of their lives. A childish baby is cute but a childish adult is extremely frustrating.
Marriage is for the mature and in many ways, we the married, are still being confronted with the demand to grow up everyday. If you are not ready for that demand...don't get married.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
It was one of those times in life just seems to move by too fast. Where everything flashes by my eyes and I look at my life like a stranger and I do not understand that it is mine. Overwhelmed with overflowing emotions that I do not understand, so alien yet so close to home. My heart filled with loss, hopelessness, pain, love, anger. I wish I didn't have to finish every prayer with "Lord, why does it have to be me?" So misunderstood, so confused I didn't know how to reach out. So used to be strong I didn't know how to face my loved ones when I was so broken. I was that constant oak to everyone yet who can I lean on? So closed off, so distant, I started to enjoy being alone. What was the point of everyone? What is the point of seeing my pain reflected in the eyes of those who love me each time they look at me? What's the point in letting you know, when really I don't want your sympathy. Maybe empathy. I am tired of my tears. I am tired of my pain. I am tired of my loneliness. I am tired of being tired.
I had hit the pause button of my life. I had closed off, shut myself away from everyone. Then again Akhera karibu, what is my legacy? Is this how I want to go out. They say if you really want something bad enough and believe in it, it will manifest if we believe. So all I want is this:
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
I want to live, I want to love.
and maybe when I act like nothing is wrong, maybe I have become really good at lying.
It starts off small like saying "I'm fine" when inside I am crumbling, It's hard to answer "what's wrong?" when nothing is right. So much that I sometimes think that if I died no one will notice that I'm gone.
You know the worst type of crying?When your lips start to shake and the tears build up quickly and fall fast. You are bent over or crouched trying to suck it in and to not make a sound but it hurts too much to just let it in. Maybe I keep it all in but am constantly caught up in moments where tears are so close to the surface every time I try to speak, that's why I remain silent. That is why I cannot confide in you. That is why I cannot look into your eyes because my eyes cannot hide the depth of pain welled up inside.
That's why I love the peace, the security and the privacy offered by my bathroom. In the bathroom I can give in to my emotions with no fear of anyone trying to stop me, trying to understand me, trying to judge or trying to remind me that I am supposed to be a strong woman. Only in the bathroom can I really be who I am right now - a broken strong woman. On the floor quietly howling my broken heart out, tears mingling with water, guilt mixed with confusion, restraint kept at bay by abandon, then and only then can I go through the healing ritual of giving in to my breaking point.
Why do I have to feel ashamed that I cry? I am crying now but I will smile again. Isn't it true that we fall down so we can learn to pick ourselves again? I am broken now but I shall rise again. Like a phoenix reborn from the ashes when it burst into flame, so will I find my smile again. I will live again. I will laugh again. I will forget again. I will hurt again and I will heal again.
I had already planned so much for us. I was already having flashbacks of memories that we were going to have. I was already imagining what it would feel like to have you, to hold you, to kiss you, and to know you. Yet now I will not have that luxury. I miss you so much even though I never had you. I miss the flutterings you left in my belly reminding me that you were there. I miss looking forward to each day, counting down the days till I will meet you. but now that day will never come. I miss your laughter that I have never heard. I miss seeing you in the room that I had built just for you, even though you have never set foot in it. How is it that I find myself constantly trying to make myself forget someone that I have never met? Someone who was destined to be the center of my life. Baby, I never had you, and I miss you so much more everyday.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Ready or not, someday it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.
Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear.
So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.
It won't matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived, at the end.
It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant
Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.
So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built; not what you got, but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success, but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.
What will matter is not your competence, but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.
What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.
Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident. It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice.
Choose to live a life that matters.
Monday, October 15, 2012
As a society we are obsessed with "thin" and "skinny" to such a point that we have equated it with perfection. I have traveled so long on the wrong side of the tracks I thought I was immune to pointless judgmental societal bullshit. But once in awhile...i slip and get sucked into the black hole of criticism and nagging stuff. Of-course let us not forget the double standard, its perfectly okay for a man to be as fat as he can be, because he is man. If he has a protruding belly then it shows that he has money!!! duh Yet a woman doesn't get a break, even a pregnant one. So some of us go through depression because we have gained that extra weight and forget the little distinction that we are carrying a new life.
So, it begs the question what level of thin is beautiful enough??? Because weirdly enough even skinny girls are feeling the pressure to be skinny. When you are too skinny, its not considered beautiful, and if there are one curves too many, then its too fat. The perfect balance is always elusive.
Funny thing is we are not born with innate knowledge on body image. Kids don't care. Yet we are not satisfied with our flawed insecurities that we are planting them on our kids, it is becoming common practice to goad a child about weight in as young as four years old. Fat = ugly. Skinny = pretty. By the time the kids are tweens, they already want to look sexy and have an enhanced idea of fashion and whats hot. The journey to the Elusive Thin begins early nowadays.
Am I really such a bad friend to warrant this behaviour from you??? What have I done that is so so wrong? Where have I gone such off course to deserve condemnation of this level...maybe condemnation is a strong word, but more like contempt. Having been so used to a close bond that we shared I cannot understand the sudden withdrawal...I can guess, I can try to understand, but I would much rather just hear my charges to deserve this sentence...its amazing how much can be deemed irrelevant, the efforts, the love, the dedications, the undying support, the loyalty all are meaningless – because of one small little thing.
You know what they say, “enjoy the little things, for one day you might look back and realise that they were the big things” But this little thing is tearing me apart, what if one day, like today I am looking back and I am seeing how it is influencing things in a big way. But we can still fix this, we can still make it better, we can still change, we can still grow. The big question is HOW? In the end we regret the chances we didn’t take. The relationships we were scared to have, and the decisions we waited so long to make. There comes a time in your life when you realise who matters, who doesn’t, who never did and who always will.
I don’t exactly know where I am right now in that score. Yet I am rendered mute by a thousand words flitting in my mind, my voice cannot find the pathway to my lips. I want to scream, I want shout, I want you to stop, I want you to see the pain, I want you to hear my cries, I want you to heed my plea...but you remain silent. Your silence is cementing my cage of uncertainty. Your silence, indifference and neglect do much more damage than outright dislike. How I wish I had known sooner how this feels, so I would not have done the same thing to another old friend.
Monday, October 1, 2012
For the first time in my life I am homesick. Don't get me wrong, I have travelled to different places in different amounts of time yet I have never ever missed home like how I miss it now when I have only been away for one week. It doesn't even compare to that time that I was in Beijing for a month...I didn't miss home like this. I am a weird walking contradiction. When i am home, all I want to do is leave, flex my wings, travel experience different places. Zanzibar is seriously clausterphobic for us locals and it should never be taken more than three months at a time dosage. (well that's my personal policy, ofcourse if its possible a lower dosage of that place is always advisable) So far, any time I have ever been homesick when I am away from home I know that it is cured by landing in that place, see some familiar faces and I am ready to jet off to another place.
Yet this time its different, this time I really really really miss home. Don't get me wrong I love SA, I love going out, the place, the shopping, the braai, so much of this place is appealing to me but I am craving for my home. Maybe its this life growing inside me so restless with being in a foreign land, maybe because this wonderful country cannot cater for my weird cravings that I am counting the days, hours and minutes until I am home.
If I am honest, what i miss most about home is You. I miss knowing that you are there. I know you are just a phonecall, whatsapp, facebook away but you are not here next to me. You are not here to hold me. You are not here for me to hog the sheets from, you are not here for me to annoy, I miss you more than I have ever missed you before. I realise so much of what I take for granted just because that you are always there at home for me. Imagine this I even miss your snoring. So for the first time in my life, I am homesick for real. I am homesick for you, because when I am in your arms, I am home. So my home is where you are.
I have been in Pretoria South-Africa for more than a week now and i cannot believe that I do not even have a single picture to remind me of this place. I did carry my camera with me and i just seem to never be able to take it with me and capture the memories that i am making.
Maybe my initial disappointment has not been completely wiped from my memory when the airline lost my luggage and i had to struggle for a few days with the only clothes i have on my body, better still it gave an even better inclination to go shopping, to replenish my wardrobe while i prayed for my bag to be found and delivered to me as soon as possible.
It was on such a note that i decided to go to a shopping mall the next day and spoil myself, because thank God, I kept my roll of dollars close at heart. After a wonderful dinner at my favourite restaurant here, i went around shops and as usual i bought things that i did not need but oooh the prices were totally irresistable. Back at the hotel i browsed through my dinner quickly had a glass of milk and went to rest...
...only to wake up in the morning feeling sick all over the place...they told me it was food poisoning...what a damped start to my fabulous two weeks getaway...
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
I hate that feeling when I am trying my hardest not to cry in-front of someone, because I don't want them to feel the depth of pain their words just caused. A smiling face pretending to care how you feel renders the blow that shatters a dream which had just begun to take form, to take shape, just had a few days to be realised. Now it lay shattered in pieces.
Maybe I am over-reacting to simple denial at a request to be allowed to go to school to pursue further studies. I was so set for this. I was ready. I lived each day on the hope that it was just a matter of time and I was counting the days. Now they have the audacity to tell me I have to wait for another two years to go; yet two years ago they told me that I hadn't worked long enough to earn a leave to go back to school. They are toying with me, playing with my time, playing with my life. All I do is let them.
After all I have been through, I am just going to quit, just like that? Nope, I have to fight like hell until I can't fight any longer. I am going to rise again, go somewhere even more splendid than what I originally wanted, just so that I can prove to them and to my self that, I can because I am.
Monday, September 3, 2012
The four of us, Jaa, Mahir, Hubby and I met at Forodhani for a talk of my life. Until I sat down I didn't know that I will meet the Past, the Present and the Future on that very same day, a chilly night, the sea calmed down, surrounded by busts of life, a distant aromatic food flavors, and fashion parades...You and your bro came dressed in casual elegance and I felt overdressed...(partly because hubby and I just came back from a dinner date..)
I felt humbled beneath the emotions you held in your eyes for me, I wasn't worth all that. I wasn't worth the awe, the respect, the care, the love and the mostly the undivided attention. I know they say the best mirror is an old friend but boy what an awakening!! We shared so many jokes, remeninced about the past, even the part of how I used to be such a bully sometimes, the good parts of the pasts which make you look up to me, hubby and I being our crazy selves, the so many questions of marriage from you guys. You two made us re-visit our past of how we used to be, how come we got married, what does marriage means, what does it take to stay happily married - only for you to sum us up as a "cute couple" sheeesh!!! gossiping about old friends who shall remain nameless who seem unfazed and haven't changed a bit with time...discussing your life where you are, and the one question I really wanted to ask, I couldn't or didn't... and what a beautiful gift I have found in your brother, I have rediscovered a new/old friend in him...
Somethings you said to me got to me in ways you could never imagine, for example that you look up to me for the simple fact of being me in a world that is constantly trying to change me. I realised that you got it twisted, it is me who looks up to you - like I told you I actually stalk your facebook and mpaka you had to make me your honorary weirdo, which is an honor. And Mahir, dang...he is good. He seems so much older, so much wiser, and I loved the way they hit it off so well with hubby...I am gonna miss you too much, actually I missed you from the moment you stepped down from the car...
I carried a camera with me so I can take photos of this day, so I can remember it after many years, that moment, the laughs, the conversations, the company, the setting, the comradeship, and guess what the weirdo decides to do - I forgot to take the pictures!!! The camera lay forgotten in my purse as we got lost in the beauty of that night, and one us couldn't handle it all...and fell asleep on my lap. All is not lost for I have tried to print the picture of that perfect summer night with my words, and I hope you love the snapshot that I took of that day through the lens of my heart, stored in my memories which I developed today for you with words to always bring a smile on your face...
Congratulations, you have just viewed our snapshot of the future, the present and the past.
Friday, August 31, 2012
"I'm leaving him...because he cheated on me!" is a very common mantra I hear in western culture. It is a mantra depicted in a number of movies that there is no more despicable thing than a woman who finds her man cheating on her. As Comedian Katt Williams said it, "you leave a 98 percent good nigga for a funken 2%....coz he cheated!!!" In movies its all the same, women throw away years and years of love because a man cheated!! Don't get me wrong I am not condoning cheating but if you keep ranting, "I'm leaving my man, HE CHEATED ON ME!!!" please go to town and see all the fine, cute, sexy, hot, hungry and desperate chicks waiting to snatch your man's money and property and they don't even mind sharing....You cannot deny that there are far more women than men, yet every woman expects every man to have just one? That's just bad math (*can't believe i wrote that. *hides face) At least that thought is reasonable, get this: why do some women get with a man who already has a woman and encourages his to leave his woman and then expects him to be faithful to her?? (now thats messed up!!)
Where am I going with this you wonder? I am a Muslim woman so IF my man should cheat (God forbid) it is not an acceptable reason for me to leave. It is not even an option for me socially, ( my parents come from the school of thought where when something is broken, fix it - they don't want none of the modern crap where when a relationship starts to fail, we throw it away). The only viable solution for me is that he should marry her. That is what Allah decreed. and the man is allowed four wives in my religion...so on the day that I got married I know that at the back of my mind this man still has a right to marry three more women. ...cheating is not allowed even in Islam, and it is a punishable crime by death for adulterers because marrying four women is halal ...That changes the marriage perspective....can you imagine it? Could you live with it?
Just because polygamy is allowed doesn't mean that its easy. It doesn't mean that us Muslim women don't go crazy when we hear there is a second wife in the fold. Sometimes the guy finds a hotter, younger, smarter richer woman and makes her the second wife and we are filled with anger, betrayal and all...but when a man decided to just marry some woman and each time the first wife asks herself why he had to marry the 2nd one, why her? The first wife starts second guessing herself... A friend of mine recently told me that if her man ever married a 2nd wife she prays that she is not better than her in any way, so she can walk proudly and say "she aint got nothing on me!!"
Yet there are other people who marry two wives and they have justifiable reasons...but a woman's heart doesn't understand logic, reasons, rules...it just hurts, it bleeds..and she still has to smile and make the best of it.
I dream of a day like this...
when our hardened lives and hearts are touched by something so pure,
by a miracle so beautiful and we were allowed a part in creating...
I dream of watching an innocent soul steal your heart by just a glance,
melt the anger by that smile...
enveloped in softness, in life.
I dream of a day like this...maybe one day...
Thursday, August 9, 2012
This is how we have all been trying to do in the past 20 days and will continue to do in the next ten days,
my question is what happens after that???
Personally, I find the hypocrisy exhausting, suddenly everyone I know believes and cannot wait to show me what I am doing wrong, everyone covers up, no skin or even better; people go to the extreme of no makeup at all, as in nada, kapish, everyone prays, the mosques fill up, the gossip is non-existent coz everyone is fasting, it is beautiful indeed. Its this time of the year that you get to realise just how many Muslims you have in facebook, as i call it even facebook becomes "Halalified"....a once in a lifetime opportunity that will probably end in ten days...
after ten days...the hijab is abandoned, make-up is on, gossiping, no one has time for Allah until next Ramadhan in the next year...and by then we hope to be alive to atone for the mistakes we know we are making and continuing to make...
My question is why?
why don't we learn something? why don't we keep at least one of the good habits we pick up in Ramdhan? Why do my sisters drop the hijab after Ramadhan? Why do we go back to life just like before, with the holy month of Ramadhan creating no lasting impact on us??
Don't get me wrong, I am not pointing fingers coz my hands are clean, okay maybe I am pointing fingers but wait, hear me out - my stance is more because in Ramadhan I am still the person that I am in the other days, I am not saying that is necessarily a good thing, I try to maintain being a good Muslim and pick up at least one new good habit... I dont do the whole oversized hijab just because its Ramadhan I keep my normal hijab, I try to use Ramadhan as a gauge in how I live the other days, I don't try to be a model muslim for 30 days then give it all up by eid...
I guess the point of this post is lets try to be more real, my dear Muslim brothers and sisters...Allah does exist everyday, of every year, in every moment, He was there in the past, is here now, and will be there in the future...something we cannot say for ourselves...so please lets stop this charade, let us have faith, let us believe, let us pray, let us stop gossiping, let us recite the Qur-an not just in Ramadhan...
but all the days throughout the year....
Ya Allah please forgive our sins and make space for us in Jannatu Naim. Amin
Monday, August 6, 2012
This was undoubtedly one of the most awesome nights in a long while....etched in my memory
...the food was seriously yummy...
the ladies were even yummier...
the mens are promising to be real hunkies...
my favourite boys...(a lil cougar i am kwikwikwi ;)
Letty...the madame in charge who made it all possible...
and Jaa...thanks for the photo and the memories...atta girl all the dudes right in there...
Monday, July 23, 2012
I have been numbed and trying to come to terms with the recent tragedy that took place in the my island home...Zanzibar.
Just a few months ago last year we were gripped with grief when MV Spice Islander sank and more than 300 people died....the island was in deep mourning, the world was saddened, shocked and all countries, all leaders gave their condolences...and now another boat sinks...from the same company with almost 200 people dead....I don't think its God's fault any more....lets not put this on him....
Such images remind you that life is indeed sweet as survivors try to hold on to any means of life that floats....and lets remember when night hits, rescue operations come to a halt until morning...what hope is there for those stuck in watery graves...buried alive...
Inna lilllahi wainna ilayhi rajiun. May Allah bless all those souls that left too early in their watery graves, those accounted and unaccounted for, all the families torn apart, ya Allah please give them courage.